As I concluded teaching the preschool Bible story last Saturday night and began to line the children up for the playground, one precious three-year-old lingered. Slowly he made his way over to me and whispered confidently “Mrs. Natalie, God…is in my heart”. I smiled and said “he sure is buddy, you’re absolutely right” and my eyes welled up with tears. I was struck by the beauty of his confidence in God’s love for him and I was reminded of the simplicity and innocence of our faith.
In September my brother lost his battle with colon cancer. By the time they had discovered it, the cancer had ravaged through his body attacking multiple organs. I remember sitting in the hospital room with him the day before he passed watching as doctors and specialists circled all around him. Struck by his bravery and willingness to fight, I sat quietly in the corner allowing him to take the lead, when he could, with the doctors. His questions remained constant “What can I do? What is the next step?” Each time a doctor would come and go, he would look over at me in the corner of the room, find comfort in my presence and then close his eyes and rest. It was a perfect day together, reminiscent of the days when a ten-year-old me would scoop up his infant body and rock him to sleep. As I struggled to hold on to that memory, I watched as his breathing became more and more labored and I knew that he would be leaving me soon. I cried out to God asking Him to grant me a miracle. But minute by minute, hour by hour it became more and more evident that God’s authorship of my brother’s story was inching toward the last page of the last chapter. I was angry and hurt and so deeply confused. In my confusion I worked hard to do what I teach our children each and every week - look for Jesus everywhere in everything, all the time. I imagined Jesus sitting at the foot of my brother’s bed looking at him with sorrowful but loving eyes. I envisioned God standing beside me with His hand on my shoulder making His presence known and His love for me felt. The more the room filled with grief, the deeper the depths of His mercy became. As hope faded, grace slipped in. And as the life of a human I loved with every ounce of my heart shifted from this world to heaven a wave of unconditional love and compassion washed over me. I brought God into the darkest of my days and He was faithful to meet me there.
It is easy to dance with God as we celebrate life’s beautiful moments but we often struggle to bring Him into the painful or challenging times we experience - even though He longs to place His hand on our shoulder and remind us that we are deeply loved and never alone. In the weeks and months since my brother’s passing I have sought God’s presence in my life as I struggle to make sense of the grief left circling in my heart. It isn’t always easy and some days I navigate it better than others. And then some days...a precious little three-year-old boy pauses, draws you near, and whispers “Mrs. Natalie, God…is in my heart.” Yes he is buddy…He certainly is.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. Isaiah 43:2